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Bad Advice for Writers! NaNoWriMo edition

I wish all bad writers would read this. 

 

I wrote a lot of negative reviews. The writers should have at least appreciate that I bought their piece of crap (yes, it is my mistake) and then spent my time reading it while cursing. 

 

 

"Advice #4: Correct negative reviews

There are only two types of reviews: the positive kind, and the kind where the reviewer didn't understand the book. A bad review of your book is actually a cry for help!

Whenever you see a negative review that makes you say to yourself, "I should reach out to this person, perhaps in a borderline illegal fashion," by all means do so. Find out where they live if you want! Show up on their doorstep and offer to politely explain how they simply failed to understand your novel. Make it clear that this is something they need to resolve within themselves and not a reflection on your work, and also that there's no need whatsoever to call the police, so please put down the phone and stop crying.

 

Interaction is what reviewers are really looking for from you, the writer. Words like "awful" and "incomprehensible" and "this may have been written by a very dumb parrot" are really their way of saying, "I have failed to fully grasp your clear brilliance and would like for you to explain it to me". So get out there and interact!

 

You may find that the sheer number of negative reviews makes it impossible to reach out to each and every person, however. When this happens you may want to consider writing a screed complaining about the nature of online reviews in general, and getting it published in a large magazine. This way you can tell multiple reviewers at once that you consider them unqualified to write reviews, and at the same time express a clear lack of understanding for how the Internet works.

 

Remember, nothing says "I am a serious writer" like a public inability to grasp how modern media functions!"